Danielle and Her Cocktail

"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” 
–Confucius

Hi Everyone...I haven't posted in a bit cause I've been interviewing for my fabulous job that is almost here!
So, I may be the last to discover her..but I'm in love with Danielle LaPorte who just wrote the "Desire Map". (Actually, I am now in a love/hate relationship with her...as she is pushy, bold, thought provoking:))
So here is how it happened.  I was looking at my Elle Magazine Horoscope and it mentioned her. I never click on those links. Honestly, I just want double reassurance that the stars are aligned for my bright future, and then I move on. But for some reason I clicked on her website. And there was a recording of a live chat she did on desire mapping, Danielle LaPorte Goals With Soul, and I  found it super super helpful. (Although I was cracking up that she was cocktailing through the entire thing, I would never have managed to stay that focused while drinking that much Champagne) 

The cool thing is you don't have to be cocktailing to get her thought process...which is: it's super important to know what your core desires are, because whether you realize it or not, even if they are subconscious, they are driving you. And if you can be super clear on what you want to "FEEL" you will live your life more freely and take it in the direction your HEART really wants you to go...and not the way the crazy making Ego tries to tell you to go. And for me narrowing it down to how I want to feel ... is beyond clarifying. And giving myself permission to be that utterly selfish, is liberating!

My beautiful girl, her gorgeous cousin, & the joy of the sand!

So while she cocktailed, I did her exercise of writing down my "Core Feelings"..ie: what I want to feel. That immediately made me feel super happy! And then it made me super sad! Simply because she had the nerve to ask me to what the opposite of those feelings where...and that made me realize that until recently, I have lived my life feeling the exact OPPOSITE of what I wanted to feel. Seriously, my ego was so screwed up from childhood and marital abuse, that it kept attracting the opposite of what I wanted. What the @*ck??? ( this is why I say I'm in a love/hate relationship with Ms. LaPorte, this is hard hard hard work!) But I am sooo grateful to Danielle and her cocktail for helping me see this:

Here are my "Core Desired Feelings":                                                       

1. Joy, Bliss (ease, secure, confidence)

2. Sexy, Feminine Power (desirable, beautiful)

3. Authentic (true, free, love)

4. Affluent (safe, rewarded, deserving)

Wonderful right! Being joyful means having a job that I love going to, where I feel sexy, and authentic, and pays me well. It means being in a relationship with a secure generous sexy man, with swagger, who will get my authentic self, love me for it, and rock my world with passion. It means being a Mom that loves her daughter joyfully and selflessly but gives her the space and freedom to be her authentic self and the guidance to find it and the affluence to have every opportunity to fulfill her destiny. It means feeling the joy of stepping out onto the patio of my gorgeous elegant home and noticing the beauty of the dandelion growing between the stepping stones. This is all how I want to live, this is how I am learning to live, and this is what I am starting to manifest in my life, and I am so EXCITED about that. To have that clarity. But, then Danielle, and her cocktail, ask me to write down the opposite of those things and it completely freaks me out:

Opposites of my "Core Feelings" - let's break this @&*t down and up:

1. Joy, Bliss - Opposite: Fear, Trapped.

You guys I stayed trapped in a horrible marriage out of fear no one else would love me. I was so afraid I would fail at my job, I @*cked them all up to some extent with angst, insecurity and doubt. All while thinking that was how a job was suppose to feel. (Part of that is because I was a tormented gymnast growing up, where anything other than perfection was failure, and you were always one fall away from loosing your coaches "love" but that is all for another day.)

2. Sexy, Feminine Power - Opposite: Ugly

No matter how many "viewers" thought I was beautiful, no matter how many men stopped to flirt, I always felt like if they really looked close they would see how ugly I was. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't feel sexy. I felt ugly, so I attracted a man that told me no one else would think I was beautiful and I stuck with him because he mirrored absolutely how I felt about myself. (again, sexual abuse as a child will do that to you, but we can all overcome it, it does not need to mark us forever, and I have never ever felt more beautiful.)

3. Authentic: Free -  Opposite: fake, scared 

When you aren't yourself, you are always afraid someone is going to figure it out. That is how I lived my life. Because I always felt like I was hiding my "truth", I grew up with an alcoholic dad, I was sexually abused by a popular gymnastics coach, I had a husband who beat the dog and told me no one else would love me, I was always hiding the "ugliness" of my truth. But I have finally come to realize that one's "truth" is just one's journey. And when you let it out, it no longer has power over you or anything else. It dissipates. If its left hidden inside you, it is part of you. If you let it out, it's just a footnote to help explain how you got to where you are.

4. Affluent: safe, rewarded -  Opposite: poor, terrified

Money. It's a big deal. And it has as much power as you give it. Because I grew up in a household with financial angst, and two parents raised super poor, their money issues permeated the entire house from the floor boards to our psyches. So it just hit me this year, that all my money ups and downs, 6 figure jobs to unemployment, is all me trying to work out my money issues. I love money, I want lots of it, and that is OK. It's wonderful, and it is going to provide a wonderful life for myself and my child. And I tell you this while I haven't had work in a month and I'm doing my own pedicures, I truly believe that if you live in terror of money it will terrorize you. So, I have made a conscious decision to love money and focus on how much I am going to have and not the lack of it right now. 

Spirit junky Gabby Bernstien says you have to make room for what you truly want before it will stick. You have to clear out the old or there is no room for the new. It is @*cking hard to do! And somehow I feel like so many of these "guru's" of positive thought don't really talk about that. (Just like skinny girls, never talk about how hard it is even for them to loose the baby weight, and take it from a skinny girl it is hard hard hard work!) But this journey of cleaning out the gunk from inside is a lot of @#*&** hard work! But if I can do it. So can you guys, I promise. And honestly it feels so good on the other side. Sometimes it's an immediate feeling of relief and sometimes it's a few days later,  I notice a calming but if you do that work..it truly is amazing...and so I raise my glass to our brave friend Danielle and her cocktail :)

Happy Desire Mapping,
xxoxox
Butterfly Mommy

Careful What You Wish For..like Sex

- Be Careful of What You Wish For - Like Sex. The Universe seems to be very specific.


"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you now what you know. And you are the (girl) who'll decide where to go."
Dr. Seuss from Brainyquote.com

These are some images from my vision board..and I wonder why men are asking me if I want to have "casual sex"?!!
So funny!

Careful what you wish for..the Universe seems to be very specific! :)

So Spirit Junkie Gabby Bernstein says to "manifest" what you want you need to get really clear on what you want. She says "Thoughts are creating your reality". And what I'm learning is not only is that so true but it's a great reminder that if you are working on manifesting something in your life... be really specific.

You see, I have been thinking about how much I would love to just have amazing great sex. That kind of sex you have on a weekend getaway..that's all about passion, and seduction and physical thrills. That loose your mind in the moment sex. It could be because it took "Mr. Chicken" (the sexy older powerful man I dated after the divorce, I'll explain the name another time :)) to show and teach me that sex could be that mind-blowingly-oh-my-God-thank-you-for-creating-the-most-life-affirming-toe-curling-breath-stopping-experience called great sex that makes me know how much I want it and need it and miss it. #@#@ him for taking that away from me. Seriously, I get he wasn't right for me. I get his "strong" personality on a daily basis would have made me run for the hills, but we could have at least had a few more months of brilliant mind blowing sex before he decided to remarry an x-wife to make his grown children happy. (Even just writing that makes me chuckle at how dysfunctional that is. Yet another reason why I am so glad I am not with him: that x-wife-wife was into him deeper than a mine shaft prior to the marriage, and now she seems to have built a cavern in there he will never be able to fill back up.) But still, there was more great sex to have and that is the only thing I am annoyed about. My sexual education was not complete and he was the perfect teacher. (Sorry, I got lost in remembering and I am hoping the folks around me at this cafe have no idea how just thinking about him and his sex can make my root chakra light up brighter than Time Square.)

.

So my point being that it is time to find another sexual teacher, and as I put that out there...without specifically asking for romance and friendship too, some funny things have happened. First "The Dr.", that seems to have some texting difficulties and asked me out the first time like this:

him: "Would you like to to get together for a glass of wine, cup of coffee, hike, casual sex! You pick." 8:15pm
(I think it is so funny, I wait until the next day to respond)
me: "Are those all my options?" 12:59pm
him: "hahaha (I've discovered than men over 50 do not use lol :)) I'm open to suggestions."

A few weeks later he sends me these texts in casual conversation:

him: "How as your day?" 4:14

him: "Waiting til sunset to take a jacuzzi. What a good day!" 4:18

me: "Great day too! And sounds perfect..but u don't get lonely in ur sunset jacuzzis? :) 4:38 - (like duh, invite me to your jacuzzi or say something sexy)

him: "Of course I get lonely. But I do the best that I can with what I have." 4:56 (thinks about it a little more)

him: "Would love to share this. Time, patience, and self confidence will resolve my loneliness." 5:19

him: "Oops, I forgot to say that I hope time, patience, and self confidence will bring me someone to love." 5:19

him: "Sorry, pretty heavy. Let me rephrase, wanna have sex? hahahah." 5:19

Now even the straight men I showed this too were appalled. Like "no, you may not date this man, that is just wrong, wrong, wrong." I thought it was super funny, because a: it was so socially inept, b. it's actually refreshingly honest. and c. that is what I had been asking the Universe for, right? "I just want to have amazing sex." And there it was. Although he is close to sixty, so how amazing the sex would be remains to be seen. The little blue pill may be very important.

And then, the next day, I am sitting at a fab cafe, waiting for a cup of soup and so happy to get a quick chance to read the NY Times without interruption, and this gorgeous, I mean gorgeous black guy comes over and asks if he can "share my paper". He is as smooth as butter, as sexy as Taye Diggs, and as manly as the NFL player he apparently was. Some famous former NFL player who wants to "share my paper" and "buy me gelato" and "go on a Trolly ride" and "see where it takes us." I was so amused at this sexy banter I gave him my real phone number. There I was the television talent, who hadn't worked in a month, and who would go home to her mother's house, flirting with the NFL player like I was about to head home to my penthouse after hosting my own show. So funny what knowing you are desired will do for your confidence level. (And apparently that world we all saw on "Entourage", where beautiful bored people who don't make their money 9 to 5, actually do meet in the middle of the day and go have sex just for the fun of it, actually exists) I escaped, saying I had to meet a friend for tea. But he texts me that night:
Him: "What are you up to?"7:48
Me: "Dinner at the Fairmont, u?" 8:12
Him: "Getting dressed for dinner with some friends" (and you know he knows he looks like a sculpture "getting dressed" 8:15
Him: "Are you dressed nice?" 8:17
As I am about to take my four year old out, I am in my version of appropriate Mom clothes.. skinny jeans, fitted sweater, and 4 inch heels..and he is about to go to "da club!"... I find this question very funny.
Me: "Yoga clothes. (I had joked with him that I was a yoga instructor) Have a fabulous evening." 9:50

He serenades my voice-mail mid-morning the next day with a wrap, no joke, about "hey sleepy head..get out of bed", it was eleven, I have a four year old, I was up. It was all very tempting. He was very persistent in an "I got swagger, and women don't say no to me kinda way." He was/is HOT! I really thought about just experiencing a fling like that and a black man because I never have (I have only slept with 3 men), but not quite that brave just yet.

But again, I laugh because I had been wanting really great sex, I hadn't told the Universe, that I wanted it to be with a man I felt safe with, someone who got me, someone who would romance and seduce me, and whatever happened would be my life long friend. I just said "great sex". And those were the offers I was getting. So funny!

So I have added those other things in with the "mind blowing sex" and we will see what happens.

XXOXO,
Butterfly Mommy

Finally Free!

Blog 1 - Finally Free!

Quote: "Most of us change not because we see the light, but because we feel the heat!"
--"Eat, Sleep, Fly" by Maryjo Koch

Hi! I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm so excited to get to know everyone and share this journey of discovery as a single woman with a child. No "single-mom" #@llsh#@ please! It has become such a moniker of hardship and even shame. We Mom's who were strong enough to leave bad, abusive, or otherwise unfulfilling unions are to be celebrated as brave thoughtful parents who chose to create homes of love and peace for our children rather than continue to load the powder-keg of a dysfunctional family. It's going to sort of be like "Eat, Pray, Love" but without the luxury of a beautifully orchestrated three part foreign travel adventure. It's a messy, joyous adventure in real life with the wonderful grounding responsibility of my four year old daughter.

In fact she is the one who came up with the name, "Butterfly Mommy".  We were celebrating her birthday at the Arizona Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix, if you ever get the chance to go it is amazing, and as we got ready for dinner she said, in this gentle sweet voice, "You are my beautiful butterfly Mommy". Love lit up her entire being. It made my heart sing! Not just because she thought I was beautiful but because she could see my process of metamorphosing from the inwardly tortured outwardly plastic perfection I had been while working in my big high powered job hiding my horrific marriage... to the real, loving, authentic, beautiful woman I am.  She could see it. It made my soul sing.

By the way, I'm so sorry! But I can't reveal my real name because I work in the public eye and putting all these intimate details out there could affect my credibility and my ability to get a full time job. And as I am currently sleeping on a blow-up bed in my Mother's den so my daughter can have the one guest room...finding that full-time job and getting our own home is really priority number one.  You see the price of my glorious freedom; getting out of an abusive marriage and giving my daughter a wonderful, juicy, peaceful life.....was landing on my mother's doorstep in a state far away from the epicenter of my profession so I don't get as much work, giving up my two homes, finding out my entire savings and inheritance had already been pilfered along with a mortgage by the deceitful man I had been married to. ( It was out of a movie funny when I called to refinance and the mortgage guy was like no Butterfly Mommy this is not your home, we can't give you any info. I was like do husbands really do that, secretly take their wives' names off the mortgage because they know they've made them think they're too stupid to look at the mail let alone do the bills? The answer is: "Yes!".  But I'm always reminded of what Elin Nordegren said about the Tiger scandal...basically if you are a trusting person and a sociopath decides to deceive you.. they will. But you can't go around distrusting everyone because of it. I believe in the goodness in people and that it is a million times stronger than the bad.)

And as difficult as it is to be monetarily poor, I have never been wealthier in personal happiness, hope and faith. And a knowing that this time my NEW life will be built on a foundation of truth, love, and trust in divinity that will allow what I construct to have staying power. It's kinda like I've been "The Three Little Pigs": in my 20's I built in straw..pooof! The Big Bad Wolf definitely blew it down. In my 30's I built in sticks..poof! The Big Bad Wolf not only blew it up but squatted in the ruins. Now in my 40's I am going to build in brick and mortar, and if that Big Bad #@@#ing Wolf comes back he will find himself in the boiling pot at the bottom of my chimney!

It's what Spirit Junkie Gabby Bernstein calls "sticking power".  You have to clear all the #@ap away so what you create sticks. She says that just like artists we have to create on a clean prepared canvas so what we dream..aka manifest will stick. Because if we don't have that clean strong pure foundation..sure we can manifest things but they won't stay, they won't stick, they will just drip, seep, and bleed into a big blobby bunch of color that is no longer art...it's just a mess...hanging on a wall for all to see.

So maybe this blog will be "Clear, Paint, Love!"

Remember from "Under the Tuscan Sun" when Diane Lane's character says "Ladybugs, lots and lots of ladybugs!" Well "Butterflies, lots and lots of butterflies!" Let's clear and prep the canvas and paint lots and lots of butterflies!

XOXXO!
Butterfly Mommy